Rahul Gandhi decided to remove poverty in just one month if people reelect UPA Government again in 2014

Congress Vice President Rahul Gandhi claimed that he will remove poverty from Indian map within a month if people reelect UPA Government again in 2014. In a rally addressing people at Pushkar in Rajasthan, Rahul Gandhi tried to deal with the concerns raised by his critics that he doesn’t have a concrete plan to reduce poverty and only talks amateurishly.

“I don’t talk rubbish when I am campaigning. I will prove that by showing a concrete plan on eradicating poverty from India completely within a month. Yes, that is true, I am going to remove poverty from India once and for all so nobody would blame Congress Government that it never tried to reduce poverty,” said Rahul Gandhi addressing the crowd of millions of people.

Rahul Gandhi said “Few people talk rubbish. They say they will construct roads, build bridges and dams and provide employment to people. However, who wants employment. Boss, hungry tummy never thinks of rubbish employment. They say Congress only talked about eradicating poverty since independence and 70% people still remained poor. But they don’t know, Congress leaders always shared miseries of poor people and always shed tears for them. Show me the one Congress leader, from Great Grandpa Nehruji, Grandma Indiraji, Pappa Rajivji, Mummy and me, we all cried for Indian poor. This is the way Congress Party leaders sacrificed their lives and their sleeps. This is the same Congress Party that gave you right to do a part time job, to eat part time food and right for part time education. So talking nonsensical things like creation of employment would not separate people who love Congress from bottom of their hearts.”

“Till today all the senior Congress leaders showed you dreams that they will remove poverty and wipe your tears. But now I am going to promise you that nobody has done till date. If you elect UPA Government again, within a month, yes within one month we will remove poverty from India. Yes that is true, within one month we will eliminate poverty from India. Only UPA Government can do that and nobody else. Within a month after coming to the power, this government will pass an ordinance, changing the name from ‘Poor’ to ‘Rich’ and will make you aware that poverty is just a ‘state of mind and a small common noun’ while inner happiness is real bliss and richness,” said Rahul Gandhi.

India Satire correspondent reported that the entire crowd gave Rahul a standing ovation on his speech and his idea of eradicating poverty. Critics claimed that they don’t have any kind of counter attack on Rahul’s claim and said that it was the most inexpensive plan to remove poverty from India.

Via: Indian Satire

Elitist porn producer Viv Thomas refuses to work with Tarun Tejpal

One of the largest porn movies producers Viv Thomas refused to take Tehelka founder and former chief Tarun Tejpal in his movies. According to sources, Tejpal earlier approached him for a job to execute his sex skills. However, the British porn movie producer said that it is not interested in taking Tejpal in its any of movies.

“Yea true, he approached us and told us that he can perform all kind of sexual activities, including oral sex. He had also mentioned in his CV that he has immense sexual hunger that is most significant prerequisite for any porn movie. However, we are not interested in putting some mid-life crisis guy and currently not thinking about him,” said the movie producer Viv Thomas.

Thomas also confirmed that even in the next future there are very little chances that he will choose Tejpal in his movies. According to sources, Tejpal is approaching other producers as he has free time. When India Satire correspondent tried to confirm the story he kicked and slapped the correspondent and threw him out of his house.

(Disclaimer: A total lie by India Satire correspondent, as like Tarun Tejpal’s blatant lie yesterday)

Via: Indian Satire

A black cat continues even after another black cat crossed her path; world feeling betrayed

Patna. In what could be called as a moment of betrayal for the entire humanity, a local black cat named ‘Kajari’, ignoring all the rules and regulations, continued her journey even after another black cat crossed her path.

Hypocrite creature.

It’s a known fact that having a black cat crossing path is considered by many to be an omen of doom. But the unfortunate incident has left people wondering that if cat themselves believe in this rule.

“These cats are hypocrites and are not much different from Asaram Bapu,” said Manohar Yadav, who was still recovering from the Asaram’s jolt when he heard of this cat incident, “It has completely broken my faith.”

Ram Basaawan, who once left a job interview after a cat crossed his path, is so irked that he has vowed to eliminate the entire black cat species from the Earth. Our reporter spotted him running behind cats wearing a black head scarf. Ram Basaawan was wearing the scarf.

Not just stray incidents in India, news of protests and violence against black cats are coming from different parts of the world. This has forced the black cats to rethink their positioning in the society.

Sources say that the black cat community is quite angered by the deeds of ‘Kajari’, because of whom the human might stop taking black cats seriously.

“Now both humans and the black cat community are after my friend, Kajari naa ghar ki rahi naa ghaat ki,” revealed a close friend of Kajari fearing for safety of Kajari’s life.

However, some of the firm believers of black cat superstition are still unperturbed and are seeing the looming danger over life of Kajari as a result of her sinful act.

“She ignored the law, and now she is running for her life, what more you need to prove black cat law? As you sow, so shall you reap,” said Pundit Madholal reaffirming his belief.

No related news.

Via: Faking News

Traces of taste found in cafeteria food, employees shocked

Chennai. A shockingly sumptuous news has emerged from the sambhar heartland of the country. After the rumors about the cafeteria food being tasty started taking rounds in a manufacturing firm , employees of the company were in for a rude shock when their suspicion was proved to be true by Food Inspectors.

Many employees became unconscious and fainted at this sight.

Food inspectors and aam employees were shocked and taken aback when packets of fresh ginger-garlic paste were recovered from the cafeteria store-room.

Faking News got in touch with Hungresh, an employee who works on the assembly line. He said, “Neither the idlis felt like thermocol nor the pavbhaji’s bhaji was soupy. To my horror, even the aloo paratha had aloo in it”.

He further claimed that his platelet count and hemoglobin levels had risen over the past month and now he plans to tattoo his organisation’s name on his tummy as a gesture of appreciation. A loud burp later from Hungresh that smelt of Mooli Parathas substantiated his claims.

Looking at the overwhelming response to the tasty food, the organization has promised to provide Thali at Farookh Abdullah prices on Saturdays, which is otherwise available at Raj Babbar prices.

Corporate food expert Bhookanand appreciated this move and says this will draw the single male employees to office on Saturdays too, thereby increasing production and reducing costs drastically.

The HR department of the company is ecstatic, as the employees have cancelled their leaves and a lot of senior employees who are going to turn 60 in the coming few months have postponed their retirement. All thanks to the food.

“This is turning out to be a strategic move by management, employee turnover has reduced by 3% in just one month,” said CEO of the company applauding the cafeteria management for their efforts.

Faking news spoke to the caterer, who supplies food at the company. He said, “As the saying goes, employee doesn’t leave a company, he leaves the cafeteria food. So we had a huge task at hand to curb attrition rate and the results are there to show.”

“Now average looking girls working in the cafeteria are getting more attention than the good looking female employees of the company,” he quickly added.

According to sources, employees are so satisfied with the food that even poor appraisals have been forgotten and overlooked by them. In fact many of them are ready to work even on Sundays if asked by management.

Via: Faking News

Tarun Tejpal now claims apology mail was a light hearted drunken banter with Shoma

After a series of drunken banters comes a drunken pose.

New Delhi. In a freshly filed bail petition to Delhi High Court, Tarun Tejpal now claims that the apology mails written by him to the complainant were a light hearted drunken banter.

This petition was filed after hearing for the first one was adjourned by the court till tomorrow.

After a series of drunken banters comes a drunken pose.

“There was no untoward incident in any elevator in Goa. What I wrote was a drunken banter with Shoma. There was no admittance of guilt or owning up for something I did. It was just for fun,” Tejpal claimed in his petition, which was shockingly written in plain prose requiring no reference to a thesaurus.

Experts believe that after claiming that charges against him were politically motivated and after casting aspersions on victim’s motives, Tejpal is now making sure that his letters – which obliquely incriminate him in the incident – are also discredited and he gets a clean chit in the sexual assault case.

But friends of Tejpal reject any insinuation that he was trying to give a spin to the whole situation and cover up his deeds.

“Tarun is a great connoisseur of wines and words, and it’s very much possible that he wrote a mail after having a few pegs of whiskey,” Rahul Singh, a friend of Tarun Tejpal told Faking News.

When Faking News contacted Tehelka’s managing editor Shoma Chaudhary, she said that she too had doubts over why Tarun wrote those mails in first place.

“Everything is crystal clear now. Some political forces are trying to benefit from this mail that was just a banter from Tarun,” she said.

Shoma also praised Tarun for having “adamantine jocular principles” that resulted in such mails, which was awfully misread as admission of guilt by some misguided people.

When asked about the mails written by the victim who has now resigned from Tehelka, Shoma said that the motives behind those letters were still unclear.

“I appeal to that girl to learn something from Tarun’s integrity and clear the air why she has been writing those letters,” she said.

Meanhwile the High Court is confused if it should treat this petition as another light hearted drunken banter or not.

Via: Faking News

Ram Gopal Varma to produce sequel of The Attacks of 26/11, Delay in The Verdict of Attacks of 26/11

After his disastrous movie, The Attacks of 26/11, Director Ram Gopal Varma decided to produce its sequel, Delay in The Verdict of Attacks of 26/11. The movie will be shoot in Pakistan and the Satya fame director will show the how the delays are happening in the case in Pakistan.

“Our script is ready and we will shoot the movie in Pakistan. We will show how the Pakistan is delaying the case, For example, the character of Hafiz Saeed in the movie will be sleeping all the time and making provocative speeches. Nawaz Sharif is moving like sloth. Pakistan military forgets about the attack, and there is no case about 26-11 in Pakistani courts” said Ram Gopal Varma.

Director Varma said that this time the movie will touch the emotions of people and will become a big success in India. While his first movie took 4.5 years to release after the incident, he said the sequel will come well before the verdict from Pakistan.

Via: Indian Satire