BCCI puts audio players playing “Sachin Sachin” beneath empty seats

Sachin at Wankhede

Mumbai. In a move to compensate for the absence of people who didn’t show up at the stadium even after being given free passes, BCCI has placed audio players chanting “Sachin Sachin” slogan beneath the empty seats of Wankhede stadium.

The audio players were first noticed by a few Sachin fans during the lunch break today.

Sachin acknowledging the divine chants

“Everyone was relaxing but continuous sound of ‘Sachin Sachin’ was coming from some parts of the stadium. Since it was about Sachin, I thought these might be divine chants from invisible angels present in the stadium to watch the God play his last test match,” Sudheer, a Tendulkar fan told Faking News.

“No way there could have been empty stands in the stadium given Sachin’s fan following, so we assumed that BCCI had invited gods and angels and they occupied those seemingly vacant seats,” Sudheer said.

However, faithfuls like Sudheer too were forced to turn skeptics when one of the audio players started sounding strange. The “Sachin Sachin” chat started coming out in ultra slow motion.

“Remember how audio cassettes sounded when battery drained out or when cassette reel was jammed? Same kind of effects was there, and hence we decided to dig further,” Sudheer recalled.

Initially Sudheer tried to give benefit of doubt by assuming that a ghost could also be there, but soon he decided to check for himself.

And that’s how people discovered audio players strategically placed to shout “Sachin Sachin” on behalf of those who got passes, tickets, etc. from clubs and bodies associated with BCCI and MCA, but didn’t care to turn up.

Soon after their deed was exposed, BCCI and MCA (Mumbai Cricket Association) members were left red faced.

“Our intention was not to fool the public or Sachin. We tried to replicate the same scenario that would have been created had those tickets been sold to general public,” a stadium official tried to explain.

Sources tell Faking News that those with passes have been asked to present in the stadium tomorrow else a case will be filed against them for hurting religious sentiments.

Via: Faking News

Cementing the friendly relationship, Sri Lanka and Pakistan to shoot missiles on cities of each other

As a first round of friendly talks and also to provide concrete evidences of strengthening their relationships, both Sri Lanka and Pakistan Governments agreed to blast their important cities with their missiles. Both the countries signed a bilateral pact at Chogm.

“We will shoot Pakistan’s major cities which include Lahor, Islamabad, Karachi and Peshawar once and for all. We are eagerly waiting to see Shaheen in Colombo,” said Sri Lankan President Mahinda Rajapaksa.

Pakistan Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif confirmed that Pakistan’s Shaheen missile would remove Colombo and Jafna from the world maps and will mark a beginning to most peaceful relationship between them. The military sources said that Pakistan will send its Shaheen missile while Sri Lanka would send its most capable Baktar-Shikan (HJ-8) missiles.

“In a sheer coincidence, Baktar-Shikan is hand-made by Pakistan itself and we will be eagerly waiting for it to comeback to home and blast some hundreds of Pakistanis, Wow. This way we both the great countries would show our commitment towards building great friendship,” said Pakistan’s PM Nawaz Sharif.

Sharif confirmed that as missiles of both the countries can’t reach directly due to their short distances, they would take halt in different cities of Bangladesh, Nepal and China.

“We have signed pacts with all these nations and they have happily agreed to give halt to our missiles. Even representatives of these nations confirmed that if some of the missiles blasted in their own cities then that would be an added advantage and our relationship with these countries will also strengthen,” said Mahinda Rajapaksa.

Finally, both the leaders of Sri Lanka and Pakistan kissed each other and stared at their military officials, indicating them to take requisite actions immediately.

Via: Indian Satire

Children born after Wankhede test to be given “Tendulkar allowance”

Sachin Tendulkar

New Delhi. Realizing that it might be pretty difficult to grow up in an era without Sachin Tendulkar representing India, the government has decided to give “Tendulkar allowance” to children born after the Wankhede test – the last test match of Sachin’s career.

“Tendulkar inspired an entire generation to become achievers at international level. He glittered while India had to mortgage its gold. He represented a new India,” a government official said.

“Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away…”

“Now they say we are back to 90s. These are difficult times. With Tendulkar no more playing, whom will the new generation look up to? They clearly will be disadvantaged vis a vis the older generations,” the official explained the need to “compensate” children born in post-Tendulkar era.

Government concedes that the current cricket team has many talented cricketers but none of them can have the same impact like Sachin had in 90s.

“Sachin was like a solitary solitaire on your ring finger. Not the same as having a diamond ring on every finger,” the official bravely used a metaphor and an analogy, which was not found controversial and objectionable by any activist group till reports last came in.

Convinced that it won’t be the same to grow up without Sachin in action, the government has announced “Tendulkar allowance” that will make every child born on or after 19th November 2013 eligible for a monthly stipend of 200 rupees.

“200 represents the 200 test matches,” the official explained, “Also, Planning Commission undertook an extensive study and concluded that 200 rupees per month was enough to pull up people above the Tendulkar line.”

When Faking News asked if this was not a mockery to quantify Sachin’s impact to just 200 rupees per month, the government official told us not to rake up an unnecessary controversy.

“World class economists and experts have come up with this Tendulkar line. What do you know about economics and cricket?” the official threw a poser to this reporter, who had no answer.

Under the new scheme, parents will need to enlist their newborn kids with the Sports Ministry to get this benefit. As a goodwill gesture, even kids of illegal Bangladeshi immigrants would come under the new scheme as Sachin scored his 100th international century against Bangladesh.

As expected, the announcement by the government has been opposed by the opposition parties who feel this is a violation of model code of conduct.

“This is just another ploy by Congress to use Sachin’s popularity to impress people and get votes from Indians as well as Bangladeshis,” a BJP leader protested, “What next? They will bring Right to Tendulkar bill? This will have no real impact. Instead, BJP promises to build Sachin temples so that people can get inspired even after he has retired.”

While political parties were fighting over Sachin’s legacy, Tendulkar fans have welcomed the concept of “Tendulkar allowance”.

“But we need it more than the yet-to-be-born kids,” Rahul, a 33-year-old executive told Faking News, “They should give 5000 rupees to everyone born in 80s so that we can buy some Old Monk and deal with this in the coming weeks.”

Via: Faking News

God took a leave for 5 days to watch Sachin Tendulkar’s last test match

God’s office released a press note mentioning that its office as well as God is not working for next 5 days. It said that both the God and the staff is visiting Mumbai’s Wankhede stadium during 14th November to 18th November.

“We are there at Wankhede stadium to watch Sachin’s last test match. We have ordered entire universe to stop moving for next 5 days,” said personal assistant of God who also governs day-to-day operations of the universe.

The world itself has confirmed that it has stopped just a day before the match started and hasn’t seen any kind of crime or bad incidences since then. God also sent orders to Indian politicians, criminals and rapists to stop corruption, crime and rapes, respectively for next 5 days. The sources said that Mumbai Cricket Association denied tickets to God’s crew and therefore he decided he will be invisible at the event.

Via: Indian Satire

Christopher Nolan announces next Batman movie after watching Vivek Oberoi in Krrish 3

Vivek Oberoi as Joker & Batman

Los Angeles, USA. Highly impressed with Vivek Oberoi’s spine chilling performance as super villain ‘Kaal’ in Krrish 3, Hollywood director Christopher Nolan has decided to extend the Batman series that had ended with his Dark Knight trilogy.

The Dark Knight Rises was supposed to be the last part of series, but I changed my mind after I saw Vivek’s acting. The way he portrayed ‘Kaal’ in Krrish 3 reminded me of Heath Ledger’s Joker character of The Dark Knight. It took me just two minutes to decide that I’d make another batman movie,” Nolan said in a press meet.

Final part of the quadrilogy will be named “The Dark Knight Rises Again” and Vivek will be playing role of super villain – Kilvish.

And unlike previous parts, villain in The Dark Knight Rises Again will be sporting a simple look of a beedi smoking Mumbaiya gangster.

These improvisations have been added to give more realistic look to Vivek’s character while hoping to reach out to audiences in smaller towns of India.

But the new movie might not be a cakewalk. Latest reports say that Christian Bale, who played the role of Batman in the series, has refused to act in the final part.

One of Bale’s friends, on promise of anonymity, revealed that Bale was quite insecure of being overshadowed by Vivek Oberoi’s talent. In fact, none of the established Hollywood actors want to take risk of playing Batman due to the same reason.

Sources say that Nolan may ask Vivek to play the role of Batman too.

Are you ready for this?

“This will increase the screen presence of Vivek, which is quite good for the movie,” said a Hollywood film expert, “You can never get enough of Vivek. American public will surely go mad.”

A PR agency hired by Nolan has already started promoting Vivek’s last flick ‘Grand Masti‘ to make him more popular among young American audience.

Back home, sources close to Oberoi family disclose that Vivek’s sanity reached its threshold after hearing Nolan’s offer. Vivek’s father Suresh Oberoi is regularly giving him pills to keep his excitement under control.

“Vivek is confident of making it big in Hollywood. And that’s why he didn’t line up to meet Robert De Niro when many others were doing so,” a source told Faking News.

Via: Faking News

Groom calls off wedding after bride continuously weeps during bidai

Royal wedding

New Delhi. In a shocking incident, a marriage was called off by a groom after he couldn’t take tears of bride any further during the bidai ceremony.

As per the guests present in the ceremony and Shahrukh Khan who was dancing like it was his own daughter’s marriage, everything was going smoothly till the farewell (or bidai) ceremony began.

Just as the couple reached the car in which they were supposed to leave, a hitherto happy looking bride suddenly started weeping inconsolably. While doing so, she was strategically switching from one shoulder to another and in excitement even went to the band wala’s shoulders.

A universal phenomenon?

Eyewitnesses further claim that she kept signaling cameraman and her friends to click pictures from various angles capturing her face perfectly.

Unable to bear the guilt of being responsible for her tears and embarrassed by the turn of events, the groom decided to call of the wedding and left on the ghodi riding which he had come.

As per sources, groom didn’t even listen to the pleas of girl’s parents and his own mother who tried reason with her that it was just a formality to cry.

“The groom was a BJP supporter and to convince him, he was told that the tears were fake like those of Sonia Gandhi who claims to care for the poor and minorities, but he was still not convinced,” a guest present at the-wedding-gone-wrong told Faking News.

Faking News later talked to the groom to know hi side of the story.

“First I thought it was just a momentary thing and she would stop crying in a minute or two. At the same time, I was confused what had actually happened and asked her if somebody said anything to him or if somebody had forcibly shown her Krrish 3,” the groom recounted the details.

As per the groom, bride was upbeat from the very beginning. She was cracking jokes, clicking pictures, pulling his leg, planning for the life ahead, and excited to go to their new home.

“In fact, I was a bit down, still unsure of the responsibility that lay ahead. And then all of a sudden she burst into tears!” the groom recalled.

“I thought maybe she was crying because of the hopeless food that was served or maybe was feeling sad that her sisters could not extract more money out of me in exchange of shoes. At the same time, my bladder was about to burst due to pressure created by the beers consumed. So I thought I’ll just go and pee and by the time I am back she will get over with whatever was bothering her and would be sitting in the Honda City ready to leave,” he added.

“And when the same didn’t happen, I realized the actual reason and thought what a crime I was about to commit by separating her from her parents and decided to call off the wedding,” the groom further revealed.

Experts say that crying is a worldwide phenomenon where seconds before bidai, a bride inexplicably and magically transforms from a spirited woman to a dejected and crest fallen woman. Even scientists have failed to establish reasons for such transformation till date.

Meanwhile, at the time of filing this report, the bride was still not aware of what had happened as she was occupied in uploading pics and changing relationship status on Facebook.

Via: Faking News