Mumbai named second most honest city while Sharad Pawar was not in the city

Sharad Pawar

Mumbai. Readers’ Digest magazine conducted an experiment and found that Mumbai was the second most honest city in the world. Now it has come to light that Sharad Pawar, one of the well known residents of the city residing at Malabar Hill, was not in the city when this experiment was conducted.

This has led to people finding a relationship between the two events.

“Thank god he was not here, else we would have ended at the bottom of the list,” claimed Sanjay Raut, a Shiv Sena leader.

Raut then went on to attack Shah Rukh Khan, claiming that Mumbai would also fare better at pollution levels if the smoking Khan left the city, however, we requested him to stick to Sharad Pawar.

On the other hand, Sharad Pawar has claimed that Mumbai missed being on the top of the list because he was not in the city. His claim was backed by Congress ahead of the next general elections.

Sharad Pawar ruing the missed chance

“The average honesty would have shot up if I were in the city. I will try to be there when next experiment takes place and collect all the wallets,” Pawar told Faking News.

The experiment, which involved dropping 12 wallets containing 3000 bucks at various locations, saw an average Mumbaikar returning 9 out of those 12 wallets.

While the optimists hailed the spirit of Mumbai for this honesty, the pessimists had different ideas.

“Those 9 must have mistaken the wallets as some strategically placed bombs on roads and informed the police,” claimed one person with no Mumbai spirit.

“Or maybe they thought 3000 rupees were nothing as it couldn’t have helped them buy even some onions,” he added.

While the pessimist views were rejected by most commentators, some found merit in them.

“It’s clear that Inflation is giving rise to honesty. That’s why our government fares better on social indicators,” claimed an expert.

“The 3 who didn’t return the wallets must have been outsiders,” claimed MNS chief Raj Thackeray.

Meanwhile residents of Delhi are planning to protest outside the office of Readers’ Digest magazine for not including Delhi in the experiment.

“They should conduct the experiment when Parliament is not in process, and put at least 15000 rupees in the wallet,” demanded Robert, a Delhi resident.

Via: Faking News

Exclusive transcript of talk between Manmohan Singh and Nawaz Sharif

Manmohan Singh and Nawaz Sharif

New York, USA. After failing to understand what exactly do India and Pakistan talk, Faking News decided to hack into the meeting between the Indian and Pakistani Prime Ministers on the sidelines of UN meet here.

We found that both the Prime Ministers met with much warmth. The Pakistani Prime Minister tried to hug his Indian counterpart, but it seems that the Indian PM stepped back realizing that it led to war last time a Pak PM hugged his Indian counterpart.

It was all words from there on:

Nawaz Sharif (NS): Hello Dr. Singh! Nice to see you here in the USA. Let’s talk.

Manmohan Singh (MMS): Theek hai.

NS: First of all I’m really sorry about the terror attack in Jammu & Kashmir. I just heard about it while talking to the ISI chief. This is a conspiracy to stop our talks.

MMS: I know. But you should condemn the terror attack. It’s easy. I have tweeted condemning it. You should retweet it. You can click the ‘retweet’ button or add +1 to it while manually retweeting.

NS: Oh wow! But I am not on Twitter.

MMS: Why?

NS: Social media keeps on getting banned in Pakistan. So no use being there.

MMS: Oh wow! We also get suggestions to ban social media. So there were no riots, rumors, terrorist attacks, etc. when social media was banned?

NS: mazaaak mat karo yaar! As if you don’t know that terror strikes are almost routine in Pakistan.

MMS: Why don’t you stop them?

NS: I have no control over these guys.

MMS: Oh wow! So I am not the only Prime Minister who enjoys no control!

NS: mazaak mat karo yaar!

MMS: arey nahi, mazaak nahi kar raha. We seem to be in similar situations.

NS: Yes dude. Heard you also faced a coup back home. The last Army Chief General VK Singh tried to stage a coup like that Mushy did to me?

MMS: I don’t know about these things.

NS: Huh? What kind of Prime Minister are you?

MMS: eh? As if you know everything. Tell me where is Dawood Ibrahim?

NS: I am not custodian of Dawood Ibrahim.

MMS: What the hell! Don’t troll me please.

NS: Theek hai.

MMS: haha.. you also said theek hai! What kind of Prime Minister are you?

NS: Huh?

MMS: Never mind. So what exactly do we talk here? You are not in control, I’m not in control. Our economies are in doldrums, we are not playing cricket, and war is not an option.

NS: Narendra Modi?

MMS: Huh?

NS: Let’s jointly condemn Narendra Modi, and everything will be forgotten.

MMS: I will have to ask madam if that’s a good idea.

NS: mazaak kar raha tha yaar!

MMS: Whattay troll! You should be on Twitter.

NS: Thanks. So what next?

MMS: I can send you a Twitter registration link.

NS: arey, not that. What else to talk?

MMS: Not much. But talks should continue.

NS: Absolutely, we will not allow terror strikes to derail this process.

The Prime Ministers then shook hands and posed for media persons. They will soon release a joint statement condemning the attacks and welcoming further talks.

Experts believe that Indian Prime Minister performed better before he showed one more finger

Via: Faking News

Congress Party think-tank finding new ways to prove Rahul Gandhi’s caliber and need to India

A panel spearheaded by well known intellectual and economist, Sanjay Jha is day and night working on finding ways to prove Rahul Gandhi’s caliber and his immense need to India. The panel has already introduced media notes like Rahul Gandhi blasted on lazy Congress politicians or asked political leaders to speak in tandem with party manifesto.

“We are constantly working on the media notes that will show how Rahul Gandhi is changing the entire canvas of Congress Party and India,” said Sanjay Jha, head of the panel in different planetary accent.

Sanjay Jha told India Satire correspondent that Congress President Sonia Gandhi has recruited the task force under his leadership so that people who don’t know what is happening in the party and how Rahul is leading would get a gist. He also said that it would be difficult for Rahul to do all these things but it always make sense to at least give idea to voters that what he can do.

“Our sense is that Rahul can do all these things such as he can discipline stupid Congress political leaders. He can ask them to keep their mouth shut or he can tell them to work in line with party or go. In our view, ideally Rahul can easily make different strategies against his archrival Narendra Modi like telling Congress leaders to don’t pay him much attention or attack on him in Gujarat whenever he is on rally in different states. We also consider points like Rahul is so much visionary that he can suggest India’s Prime Minister various new ways of reducing poverty and bringing equality. We also think that as a best leader to the country, Rahul can be stricter to his allies such as Sharad Pawar’s Nationalist Congress Party by saying Congress can wipe it out from Maharashtra. So after considering all these points we either put words in his mouth or directly provide them to media,” said Sanjay Jha.

Sanjay Jha also told India Satire correspondent that apart from finding out the ways to show Rahul’s caliber the panel is also working out the ideas that will prove how Rahul Gandhi is for India.

“We are going to put some emotional lines in Rahul’s mouth such as he will stop going from flight till every aam aadmi affords air fare. He will stop watching cinema till every Indian family would have Indian home theatre,” said Sanjay Jha.

Via: Indian Satire

Court cites Sonia-Manmohan equation at Centre to pacify wife-dominated husband

Follow @mockingnow

Patna. A young man in his late thirties was in for a judicial surprise when a session judge in local court in Patna suggested him to take his plea back because his problem was too common and certainly not solvable by laws of land.

Ram Pati, who runs a mid-size real estate brokerage company in Nitish Kumar’s Bihar, had filed a case against his wife that she was very dominating. “Even if I have extreme cold, I can’t cough unless she gestures in affirmation”, Pati wrote in his complaint.

A happy Sonia, and a forever in-a-fix Manmohan

After hearing the halfheartedly attempted argument put forth by Ram’s lawyer, the judge smiled. “See, your own lawyer is not convinced about your case, maybe he is also in the same boat”, remarked the judge. It was not clear whether Justice Raj himself was hearing a very familiar case.

Empathizing with Ram Pati, judge told him that Police and Judiciary were not the solutions to his problem Police or Court. “You need to think about it and in the end accept it as a way of life. Law takes its own course in a matter where something happens against law. This is completely in-law thing”, Raj extended his brief and went beyond judicial lines to make his points clear.

Judge also gave the example of Sonia Gandhi and Manmohan Singh equation at the centre to make Ram feel little better. “He is the Prime Minister of the country and she is not his wife, yet the whole country believes that a thirsty Manmohan will not touch water unless Madam approves of it”, judge seemed to agree with popular public perception. “He may not be married to her, but his freedom is marred by the arrangement.”

Prema, Ram’s wife, who was also present in the court showed no sign of relenting even when law was also taking her side. “It’s not that I am wrong that I try to have my way. I am almost always right. I don’t need a judicial favor in winning the case against me”, dominated Prema, making all husbands present in courtroom to run for cover.

The news which comes afterTeam members mock a colleague who says he is not scared of his wife, and ‘Husband should take all big decisions to make married life enjoyable’ has once again hinted at women empowerment.

Heeding to judicial advice, Ram Pati requested Prema to talk at home, to save himself from more public embarrassment.

Via: Mocking Now

ND Tiwari joins social media to connect with young girls

Tiwari ji with killer looks

Lucknow. Many politicians have joined social media to connect with the youth. The latest one to do so is veteran Congress leader ND Tiwari. However, Mr. Tiwari has clarified that his intention was to interact with young girls only.

“Boys, please excuse,” Tiwari ji said as he signed up on Twitter to get female followers.

Sources close to ND Tiwari say that the former Chief Minister of Uttar Pradesh was not happy with the kind of social networking with women he was currently enjoying.

“The same old ones; some hopeful of getting party tickets while others expecting some other favors such as a meeting with Rahul Gandhi. No one really interested in me as a man with a young and loving heart,” the 87-year-old rued.

A couple of days back Tiwari ji started dancing with a relatively young female host at a function organized to honor martyrs, but the host touched his feet and excused herself.

“It was an embarrassment,” Tiwari ji shared his frustration with Faking News, “That’s why I want to connect with the younger generation that might not be stuck with such old rituals of touching feet. Why can’t they just hug, kiss, and say good bye?”

When asked if he was sure that social media was the right place to connect to new girls as many on Twitter and Facebook are still to get laid even after trying too hard, Tiwari ji said that we were underestimating his charm.

“You just keep an eye over my relationship status,” he said as he finished his Facebook registration.

Meanwhile a troll with Sunny Leone’s picture as profile pic was already following Tiwari ji on Twitter.

Via: Faking News

Man supporting The Lunchbox for Oscars hasn’t even seen it

The lunchbox

Mumbai. A man waging an online battle tirelessly against the non-selection of recently released movie The Lunchbox as India’s official entry to Oscar was later found to have not seen the movie at all.

This not-so-shocking and quite expected revelation was unearthed when Faking News tried to get in touch with him over his views about the movie and why he felt it should have been selected instead of The Good Road.

The man thought that Irrfan is reading a doctor’s prescription in this scene

Initially he was reluctant to talk about the film and only wanted us to support him by signing the online petition created by him in support of the movie.

But when this reporter lied to him claiming that he had not seen the movie, the man became confident and spoke at length about the film.

“It is a brilliant portrayal of what essential nutrients should a lunchbox have and how a middle aged man played by Irrfan Khan starts to look old because of improper and unhealthy diet,” he said.

“Infrastructure is all right, but malnutrition is an issue that deserves a preferential treatment,” he further added why he thought The Good Road came second to The Lunchbox.

When asked which part of The Lunchbox he liked most, he said, “The point where renowned chef Sanjeev Kapoor appears as a guest role and tell Irrfan Khan that true love can only happen through a balanced diet.”

Unable to control his laughter, this reporter finally broke to him the story that he was lying and the movie had nothing to do with Sanjeev Kapoor, he got embarrassed and tried to escape. After the threat that his picture will be published on Faking News, he confessed that he gave in to the peer pressure of sounding intellectual on Twitter and other sites.

“Till sometime back nobody paid any attention to what I said. I had very few followers on Twitter and I lost them too by singing praises of Chennai Express, although some bots having Shahrukh Khan’s photo as profile picture did follow me. That’s when I realized that I need to sound intellectual even if I am not,” confessed the man who in reality has not even seen the trailer of The Lunchbox.

“Since last few days I had been hearing a lot about this movie and how intellectually stimulating it is, and that it got standing ovation where ever it was screened and how its non-selection has upset classes. I thought of watching it but had no money left after watching Phata Poster Nikla Hero. That’s why I faked it,” added the man.

Meanwhile Minister of Communication and Information Technology Kapil Sibal was extremely elated at this news and stormed in our office to express his happiness.

“I stand vindicated. People on Facebook and Twitter express their opinions without knowing the facts. They make jokes on Rahul Gandhi while Rahul Gandhi ji is a wise man. Rahul ji watched The Lunchbox and liked the 3D effects in the movie,” the minister claimed.

Via: Faking News