LEAKED: Notes made by various politicians before delivering speeches

modi

Narendra Modi

The fact that Modi uses a communal colour paper to prepare notes is the point to be stressed upon.

Rahul Gandhi

Though Rahul carries notes, but he maintains Goof-ups are totally impromptu.

Arvind Kejriwal

Arvind Kejirwal

Uses an aam paper to prepare notes

Raj Thackeray

raj thackeray

Our reporter who managed to get these notes now fears for his life.

Mayawati

Mayawati speech

Take out Dalit and Modi, Mayawati will have nothing to speak about.

Mulayam Singh Yadav

Mulayam Singh Yadav speeck

As useless and incomprehensible as his speech.

Via: Faking News

Bangladeshis excited about creation of empty space by people planning to leave India once Modi wins

Bangladeshis

New Delhi. With people threatening to leave India or getting threatened of being deported to Pakistan if Narendra Modi came to power, Bangladeshis are eying this potential empty space.

Sources tell that People in Bangladesh have been expressing their happiness by bursting crackers after each voluntary announcement of leaving India or threat of deportation to Pakistan.

Crowd in Dhaka shouting ‘Abki baar Modi sarkar’.

“We are not going to snatch something, we are just migrating to fill the empty space, just like air and liquid flow into empty space. Earlier when we used to infiltrate, there was a guilt feeling, but now it’s fair and justified,” said a Bangladeshi while talking to Faking News, “If Indians think that we Bangladeshis don’t care for India, they are wrong. We do care for India, it’s like our own home.”

Excited by the prospects of Modi coming to power, many people in Bangladesh and Bangladeshis living in India have started rooting for Narendra Modi in 2014 general elections.

“Initially, we were not in mood to vote for Modi. But ever since people started promising to leave India if Modi becomes PM and thereby help in reducing country’s population, we changed our mind,” explained Abdul Gafoor, a Bangladeshi living in Assam.

“In my village, a couple of such people are there who had decided to infiltrate into Bhutan, but now they are hopeful of coming to India. I will invite them,” Gafoor revealed his future plan, amidst chant of ‘Abki bar Modi sarkar‘ by his fellow family members.

“Modi surely means hope,” he added.

But unlike Gafoor, many Bangladeshis living in India are not coming out openly in support of Modi, as they are expected to show their political loyalty to so called secular parties. “If we say it openly, most probably they will send us back to Bangladesh,” feared one Bangladeshi Modi supporter.

However, sources say that secular parties, which were earlier worried by outflow of secular votes from India, are quite happy with possible inflow of minorities from Bangladesh.

“By 2019, we will convince them to vote for us. It’s zero loss,” quipped a leader from one of the secular parties.

Via: Faking News

2 States viewers will be called as people with immense tolerance – Government

Indian Government has identified most tolerating people from the general public based on the viewers and non viewers of the new movie ‘2 States’. The government told in its press release that the people who watched 2 States till the end will be considered as most Tolerating People in India.

“Prime Minister’s Office (PMO) has instructed us to rate all the people based on their tolerance levels. The office asked us for bifurcating people using two fundamental criteria of tolerance; people who watched 2 States as tolerating while rest have no tolerance. The office instructed us that if these viewers enjoyed the entire movie then they should be considered as joyful people despite living in worst conditions,” said a government official requesting anonymity.

According to an official at PMO, Prime Minister Dr. Manmohan Singh went to watch 2 States for relaxing himself after hard work for past 10 years. However, he has been victimized and tortured by the movie, reaching to the end of his tolerance level. Dr. Singh inspired by the movie’s torture and found an idea to set the new parameters of tolerance.

“Earlier, Manmohan Singh was considered as the most tolerating person in India, based on his closeness with Congress High Command and particularly with Congress President Sonia Gandhi. Now as he was about to leave his post, we asked him to announce his successor. I am happy that he has worked out some formula,” said Congress leader Janardhan Dwivedi.

Via: Indian Satire

Robert Vadra buys Tihar Jail land to convert his jail term in lavish holiday

In a major real estate deal today, Priyanka Gandhi’s husband Robert Vadra bought Delhi Tihar Jail land for 10 rupees from Indian government. The son-in-law of Sonia Gandhi decided to purchase the land after few NDA leaders, including Uma Bharti threatened him that NDA will put him into jail over alleged land scam with DLF, if it comes to power. According to sources of 10 Janpath, Vadra in partnership with DLF plans to develop Tihar jail into a lavish holiday resort.

“Robertji wants to convert jail into a lavish holiday resort for the benefits of prisoners. It will be a biggest attraction for the world and will be a major talking point too, considering no other jail will have that kind of humanely facilities that Robertji has envisioned,” said Congress leader Rajiv Shukla.

Shukla told India Satire correspondent that Vadra has entered in partnership with DLF to purchase the land. Vadra raised 8 rupees as loan from DLF while both have invested 1 rupee each in the deal, indicating 90:10 stake in favour of Vadra. Shukla confirmed that the land was sold for 10 rupees as nobody else have shown interest in developing it.

“Robertji has big plans for the land. We invited bids from 10 subsidiaries of DLFji and 15 shell companies of Robertji. However, nobody qualified for the land purchase and therefore we allotted the land to Robertji and DLFji’s partnership,” said Rajiv Shukla.

According to sources at 10 Janpath, Robert Vadra wanted to protect his jail term as a luxury holiday if upcoming NDA government takes the charge of the nation. The source told correspondent that people from across the world and India will have a dream to visit the resort for at least a month.

After the deal, Robert Vadra on Facebook posted “Mango man in Banana Republic will dream to stay in Tihar jail.”

Via: Indian Satire

Success of “2 States” prompts political parties to recreate their own version of the movie

2-states-poster

2 States is the story of a Punjabi boy Arjun Kapoor and a Tamil girl Alia Bhatt studying at IIM Ahmedabad who fall in love and want to get married. Families oppose the inter-caste union. Eventually everyone agrees and they live happily ever after. That’s all.

Arjun and Alia, about to become mascots of Lok Sabha elections 2014.

Seeing how popular the movie has become this election season, all political parties decided to cash in on the popularity by releasing their own versions:

BJP: The story remains exactly the same. In the last scene all characters thank Modi for the infrastructure of Ahmedabad which contributed to them falling in love & marrying each other. BJP claims helping young couples to get together in top colleges is part of Modi’s “Gujarat model of development”. ‘The End’ is replaced by ‘Abki baar…’.

2) Congress: The boy is Hindu Punjabi and Girl is Tamil Muslim. The first half wherein they fall in love remains same. Then the opposition of the families turns violent wherein rioters from Punjab and Tamil Nadu join in and create havoc in Ahmedabad. Lots of people die, hence proved Modi is a divisive & fascist leader. Sanjay Jha and Manish Tewari scream their lungs out on Newshour. Teesta Setalvad gets the girl’s mother to contest elections from Ahmedabad on a Congress ticket empowered by Rahul Gandhi.

3) Aam Aadmi Party: The boy and girl fall in love. They waste so much time in romance and drama that they actually forget to study. Consequently, they don’t score well and remain unemployed after graduation. They protest outside IIM-A and Kejriwal joins them. He calls IIM-A an Adani agent and points at the unemployment of the couple to show the Gujarat growth model as a failure. He assures 7.00% free marks to all students whose score is below 40%. He is made dean of IIM A, but quits in 49 days because there is another love story in BHU Varanasi that gains his attention.

4) Samajwadi Party:The boy and girl fall in love and have premarital sex. Azam Khan & Abu Azmi issue statements that the couple must be killed for this blasphemy. The parents oblige. End of Story.

5) Telugu Desam, Jagan Reddy’s YSRCP and TRS: There is no love story, IIM or Ahmedabad in the movie. ‘2 States’ turns out to be a documentary on the respective party’s stand on the creation of the ‘2 states’ of Telangana and Seemandhra.

6) MNS and Shiv Sena: The north indian boy celebrates valentines day with the south indian girl in public. We all know what happens next.

7) JDU: The original movie is run in highlights for few minutes. Then Nitish Kumar shows up on-screen saying this is bias towards Modi and asks why there are no IIMs in Bihar for such stories to happen. He demands special status for Bihar with atleast 3 IIMs.

8) Left Front and Trinamool Congress: They make a joint movie wherein one party roots for the girl’s side and one for the boy’s side. They keep protesting against each other and as a result the college is closed for 4 days a week (excluding weekends) for the entire year. Nobody comes to campus to hire and everyone passes free time by writing poems and having in-house debates. IIM-A is subsequently renamed IIM-C.

Chetan Bhagat becomes a billionaire with all the royalty checks. In completely unrelated news, desi Twitter intellectuals report abnormally high blood pressure and low self esteem.

Via: Faking News

Bachelors protest after frequent questioning by societies in Gurgaon

Places where bachelors live, work and hangout.

Gurgaon. Bachelors from the city have gone into a city wide peaceful protest with daaru, beer and triple riding on bikes, against societies for their frequent questioning on their way of living.

Sachin, an ex-tenant in Kendrya Vihar, who and his friends have been expelled from society on wasting water said, “How can we waste water, when we have a bathing gap of minimum 7 days and how can our baai waste water when she washes our 10 sets of clothes in 5 mins and says ‘Saab Ho Gaya‘. We can’t tolerate baseless allegations anymore.”

Another tenant Lokesh, who had to change 6 flats in last 8 months says, “Every society questions my girlfriends coming to my room and that is when I bribe guard Rs. 500 every time and declare every second girlfriend my fiancee.”

Places where bachelors live, work and hangout.

“Our silence is also questioned sometimes, they say that these guys can’t be silent, they are definitely going to do something nasty, ‘Ye toofaan se pehle ki shaanti hai‘. We are bachelors, what we want, just daaru, chicken, music and thodi bahut doston ke saath masti. When will these society people let us breathe,” asked Akshay, a college goer who lives with his 7 friends in a 2 BHK.

bachelors rights activist Chunni Lal, who is himself a 46 years old bachelor said, ” This is happening in every part of the country. We are demanding for bachelor’s reservation in every society. 5 flats should be reserved for bachelors only in every society with door opening directly outside on street.”

Hemant, who looked 4 pegs down even in full daylight, went a step ahead and said, “Govt should build separate societies for bachelors where doodwala, press wala, safaiwala and everyone else should be bachelor. Daaru ka Theka and a disco bar should be within society. Constitution should be amended.”

When contacted, Deputy Commisioner of Gurgaon said,” We have got a letter of demand from bachelor’s union. They have genuine concerns. We are going to put this in front of ministry and appropriate actions will be taken.”

After DC’s request , bachelors dissolved their Dharna and went back to their work. However most them had already disappeared on their manager’s first call.

Via: Faking News