Lalu hug made me feel like a Shakti Kapoor victim: Arvind Kejriwal

By Kumar Pratik

Graphic: Lalu Yadav forcing himself on the helpless Chief Minister of Delhi.

Days after Arvind Kejriwal was caught red-handed on national media in a “compromising” position with RJD Supremo Lalu Prasad Yadav, Kejriwal has sought to explain his side of the story.

Aap log Bollywood dekhte aaye hain, how can you so easily believe these rumours?” Kejriwal appealed to audience’s lack of logic and sense of forgetfulness. “I was obviously manhandled by Mr. Lalu Prasad Yadav on the stage, despite all my inhibitions. Tell me, have you ever been one of Shakti Kapoor’s victims in a 90s film? Well, neither have I, but that’s how I felt; I felt violated. And instead of sympathizing with me, you people are sensationalizing my pain.”

Graphic: Lalu Yadav forcing himself on the helpless Chief Minister of Delhi.

Shakti Kapoor responded to Kejriwal’s comments, saying there was nothing about Kejriwal’s body that attracted him and that Kejriwal would’ve been privileged to have played one of his victims. He also ranted about how molesting has become a dying art, in films and real-life and applauded Lalu Prasad Yadav for bringing it back in fashion with Kejriwal on stage.

Meanwhile, Lalu Prasad Yadav also broke his silence on the matter, going on to compare Kejriwal to one of his cows. “What bullshit is this?” Kejriwal is like my bachda, child of a cow, you know. He needs my care and protection, and one day he can start giving milk like the rest of the cows, but right now, he needs as much fodder as possible.”

Kejriwal was unavailable for comment afterwards, feigning indigestion. Bihar Deputy CM Tejaswi Yadav was also busy eve-teasing women on the streets to offer any meaningful explanations on the matter.

Via:: News that Matters Not

Cooking classes take a hit as Maggi makes a comeback

By Devashish Palkar

People all over looking forward to engage in unhealthy dietary habits once again

The return of Maggi has destroyed the cooking market that emerged after the ban on the noodles. The market which catered to hostelers, bachelors and women planning to get married is finding few takers after the ban was lifted.

Blame it on the patriarchal society of ours, but cooking has always been a prerequisite for any girl planning to get married. Until a few months back, girls were confident of their cooking skills, and were proud of their 2-minute recipes like Maggi noodles, Maggi sandwich, Maggi pakodas, Maggi omelette, and so on.

However, the ban on the sales of Maggi had handicapped the girls and their marriage prospects.

People are looking forward to engage in unhealthy dietary habits once again

The past few months had seen a great boom in the cooking classes business as a result. In some parts of Delhi and Mumbai, there were more cooking classes that had opened than IIT-JEE coaching centers.

But with the ban now revoked, there is an atmosphere of glum and sadness among the owners of these cooking classes.

Girls are again using Maggi to check off their cooking skills in the matrimonial forums.

A sad owner of one such cooking class said, “Where did they hide all the lead? We’re ruined. Maggi has ruined our Diwali. They’ve discontinued our classes without even offering us the Diwali bonus!”

However, the return of Maggi has been a blessing for hostelers and other bachelors for whom the 2-minute noodles are a staple. “This was much awaited,” said a hosteler from Yet Another College of Engineering (YACE).

“I was sick of eating healthy food. Broccoli is no substitute for Maggi…especially with daaru,” he added.

Via:: News that Matters Not

Yami Gautam recommends Fair and Lovely to Baba Ramdev to boost his Nobel Prize chances

By Devashish Palkar

Baba black sheep?

In a sensational news, Baba Ramdev has alleged of being denied a Nobel Prize because of his black skin and has thereby accused the Nobel Prize jury of racial discrimination.

While Baba Ramdev is getting flak for his comical comments, actress Yami Gautam, who features as a prominent face of the fairness brand, Fair and lovely has come to Baba’s rescue and has recommended him to use the product.

Yami said, “Baba Ramdev has helped me so much with my fitness. He really deserves a Nobel Prize. This is a little effort on my part to help him get the award he richly deserves. He will need to use this cream for just 14 days and his fairness will improve dramatically!”

Baba black sheep?

Reportedly, after hearing these comments from Yami, a cat fight has started amongst Bollywood starlets with Deepika also offering Baba Ramdev, the Fiama Di Wills beauty soap and Katrina offering him the Lux bathing bar.

It now remains to be seen which product the Baba chooses and if these products help him win the Nobel.
Reportedly, the Nobel jury has hit out at Baba by recommending him to get a melanocyte transfer from Neil Nitin Mukesh which will definitely get him a Nobel.

Via:: News that Matters Not

Guest speaker forgets promise of “keeping lecture interactive”

By Tanay Sukumar

sleep

At least thirty students fell asleep and four others made paper aeroplanes after a guest speaker at a college fest forgot his promise of “keeping the lecture interactive”.

“Two minutes into the lecture, we found out that the man had prepared a PowerPoint presentation. There was no way it could be interactive, and so, I slept,” said one of the students who actually thinks she knows why she went for the session.

“The speaker introduced himself and bravely said he had not planned for the session,” said another student, who had to attend because he was a friend of the event organizer. “Then he said the session would be interactive. But the next moment, he showed us a presentation with 30 slides on the big screen.” He spoke for the next one hour using the presentation, without being interrupted by sleeping students.

Sources say some first-year kids had actually believed the speaker and were impressed when he said he had not planned for the session.

The lecture that the students were attending was not titled “How to get a girlfriend and stay happy”, probably a reason why the students fell asleep. The actual title is either unknown or incomprehensible, say students who made an attempt to attend. The event organizer, a final-year student of the college, had promised students that the lecture would be about how to attract audiences.

Via:: News that Matters Not

The History Channel, Ripped Apart!

By Trikaash Karkera

history-channel-logo

When you hear the name “History Channel”, anyone who possesses even the slightest intelligence will expect documentaries on historical events like the First and the Second World War, the Indian Independence Struggle or the Cold War. The “History” channel could also perhaps showcase the history of sports, medicine, science and even music.

And when the History channel was first aired, it did exactly the above mentioned things. The channel aired biographies of famous historical figures, factoids and even made a show on the history of rock music.

It was all going good when suddenly the channel executives decided to defeat the purpose of the name “History Channel”. It was probably due to the fact that the network got poor ratings. But these executives transformed the History Channel from informative television to sensationalist television, like the metaphorical shopkeeper who never gives you what you ask for.

Some of the shows the channel began to air include Pawn Stars, Ice Road Truckers and Ax Men.

The channel’s highest rated show is Pawn Stars (a clever pun, eh?). It’s about a family running their pawn shop. That’s right. The “History” channel’s highest rated show is about a family bickering among themselves and haggling with their customers. It is hard to imagine how watching a show about a pawn shop could ignite anybody’s interest in history. Other popular shows include Ax Men, which is a reality show about lumberjacks and Ice Road Truckers, which is about—you guessed it—truck drivers.

But wait, there’s more. A blunder much worse than airing reality shows on what is ostensibly called the History Channel, is showcasing pseudo-documentaries like Ancient Aliens, UFO files and Nostradamus effect. Ancient Aliens is probably the best they have to offer. This show talks about apocalyptic prophecies, especially the one on 2012 which the Mayans had made. When a show talks very strongly about a prophecy that has clearly failed and also tries to give the credit of building both the pyramids and the Stonehenge to aliens, you know you’re better off watching Lord of the Rings (both are ultimately fictional after all).

For a channel whose slogan is “History Channel-where the past comes alive” there seems to be very little content that has anything to do with history. What if HBO starts airing saas bahu serials? Or what if NDTV decides to show Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? If your channel’s content has nothing to do with history, why call it the HISTORY CHANNEL!

After being widely criticized by many, the executives at the History Channel have finally learnt their lesson. They have decided to hire an ambassador who will transform the image of the channel to its former glory. This man will assure the audience that the History channel is a great resource of historical facts and that he too loves watching their shows. Who’s this exemplary historian?

Salman Khan

Via:: News that Matters Not

Purchase parking spots before you buy cars, says Delhi govt

By Anubhav Parsheera

M_Id_268220_Parking

The Delhi government has announced that it will commercialize parking spaces in the capital. One will now have to purchase a parking space before buying a vehicle.

Most people happy

Reacting to this move, a man with a generic name and face said, “This is a welcome move and should have been put in place a long time ago.”

Shivam Tyagi, from Meerut, who lives in Delhi at his girlfriend’s place in Mayur Vihar, has already purchased a spot. “We never imagined that we would be the proud owners of a parking spot. I can now come home safe in the knowledge that I will have a spot which will always be there.

“So what if I still don’t have a car. I can rent out my spot and from that money, buy another parking spot, and then eventually buy a car, for which I will have to buy another spot because I’ve rented out all my spots… I think.”

Deepak, another Delhiite, expressed excitement: “I will no longer have to sleep outside my house to ensure that no one parks there. In fact, I won’t even have to park my scooter diagonally to reserve the spot. I can finally drive my scooter around, and sleep inside the house after thirty-two years.”

What happens when the city runs out of space?

A beautiful sight to monetize.

Chief Minister Arvind Kejriwal addressed said, “This is just the beginning. We have greater plans ahead. For instance, we intend to convert all main roads and highways in and around New Delhi into parking spots. It will be a great source of revenue.

“We will be a city of cars that are parked all day and all night. But if you look at it from a more optimistic perspective, running on the roofs of cars is the coolest thing one can do.”

The Chief Minister confirmed that owners of existing vehicles would also have to buy their own parking spots. This came as a rude shock to many people who liked to paint “reserved” on stationary objects outside their houses.

Haters gonna hate

However, there was also a section of the population that expressed displeasure. “This is absurd. I have painted ‘reserved’ on the trees in front of at least five houses in the neighbourhood with my own hands,” said Rahul.

“In an ideal and honest world, this means that those spots belong to me and that those trees are also now mine. Does the law of

Via:: News that Matters Not